TITLE: The Evil Beneath Loch Ness
YEAR RELEASED: 2001
DIRECTOR: Chuck Comisky
CAST: Patrick Bergan, Lysette Anthony, Brian Wimmer, Vernon Wells
SIMON BALL reviews appalling Nessie monster shocker The Evil Beneath Loch Ness (2001)
So the Expedition Channel send a team to Loch Ness to investigate whether there really is a monster, but tragedy strikes when dive team leader Gus Egan (Dick Stillwell) is killed as an underwater earthquake opens up a channel to the North Sea.
To rescue the shoot, hard-nosed producer Liz (Lysette Anthony) drags bargain basement Indiana Jones, Case (Brian Wimmer) off an archaeological project in Afghanistan (i’ts all fake moustaches and bandoliers in that quarry Spooky Islanders) to come and lead the team in Scotland.
Now Case is a bit of a sceptic, but then a bunch of students making an internet prank video get monster chomped.
The search for Nessie is on, even though local copper (Vernon Wells) tries to warn them off in case they harm the local tourist industry, after all you would not want to put all those bathers off swimming in an ice cold loch.
Case teams up with former Royal Navy captain Blay (Patrick Bergan) who has a bit of previous with the monster, having lost his son to it while dynamite fishing.
Naturally, Blay turns up for their date with Nessie in full Braveheart kit including kilt, sporran and blue face paint, all a bit daft considering that the final denouement will take place under water!
Speaking of daft, the Scottish police work out of a building marked HM Coastguard Headquarters and wear the sort of cheapo uniforms that I last saw on a 1980s supermarket security guard.
They also think Scotland’s capital is Glasgow and have a dinky little boat that launches depth charges, very useful when they have to contend with all those pesky Loch Ness dynamite fisherman!
As to the monster we don’t see much of it aside from an oft repeated clip of CGI.
Despite some cut in Loch Ness library footage, the light quality, American cast and the not even remotely Scottish lakeside vegetation betray the fact that this very silly film was clearly shot in California rather than Scotland and the poor research demonstrates that authenticity in this fantasy Scotland was far from the producers mind.
Lysette Anthony struggles valiantly with script and bless her even pronounces arse properly, but the rest of the cast are pretty wooden.
And speaking of things that are not even remotely Scottish cop a load of Wells and Bergan mangling their Scottish accents.